Value

For the longest time, I've been telling my boss: "I do not think that my work is important enough to be considered as proper work... I actually do not see the value in the work that I do."

I think no one actually understands why I feel that way. Different perspectives, I get it but this feeling has been overwhelming I'm beginning to convince myself that I'm doing shit jobs.

I decided to speak to people - my boss, my ex-boss, reading online articles, Google and listen to podcasts, whatever...

I've figured out how my brain choose what it chose now.

At my age, something that is "just a job" just doesn't interest me anymore.

When I took on a particular piece of work, subconsciously, I put a value to that piece of work.

In my current role, there are no tasks which are of utmost importance which could make or break a business. Mostly, no-brainer. I am not challenged on a daily basis. My brain is not in use. Therefore, all the tasks are auto-classified as low or no value.

Taking on tasks and working hard is not enough. Going in the right direction is key too.

Looking at the type of tasks I'm doing, the end goal/direction is merely "Completed".

The world halts. I die a little more each day.

I'm not actually looking for crazy or high complexity work with superficial gains and rewards.
A meaningful job would really be great.

Four types of people

I was listening to a podcast the other day and the following paragraph resonates with me -

"There are four types of people on this earth;
1. People who are dumb
2. People who are smart
3. People who are smart but think that they are dumb
4. People who are dumb but think that they are smart - which is the most dangerous."

I like how the speaker added an additional comment behind #4 😊

I know

Of course I knew.

Even so, I said nothing and persevered so naively, thinking that working hard and achieving something would lessen that uncertainty.

For as long as I can remember, I've been told - as long as you work hard, your work would not go unnoticed.

Obviously, this particular advice which I held on so dearly proved to be deadly.

You made me realized that working hard = nothing.

The fact that I was being questioned on such superficial level is annoying, and I had to try so hard to make you LISTEN and SEE for yourself. Your mind chose to believe what it thinks is true, and not what is real.

I will never forget that specific incident where I reiterated that a particular task was done, with an email as evidence, and yet, all you could do was looked at me and blatantly said "no, you did not" and then go on to penalize me on paper. It was at this point that I realized how undeserving you are of your title and position.

I reached this point approximately four months ago, when I was forced to prove my worth shamelessly, when I was trying to suppress all emotions, when I had to battle that rage day and night.

I wasn't certain about this particular internal conflict, but it sure as hell eroded my self respect brick by brick.

Flying under the radar made me realized plenty of things. The moment where I actively chose to stop interacting with everyone else opened my eyes to the truth. I hear with my ears the evil things they speak about you. I felt with my heart the hatred they harbor towards you.

I don't feel sad for you.

If anything, PITY is the word.

I will never allow my blind spots to roam freely again, losing my sense of self, underpinned by self-doubt and shame.

I hypnotized myself into believing that I wasn't even worth a dime.

Thank you for slapping the shit out of me.

You set off a fire within me to strive to be so much better than anyone else.

My desire to be better than you is real. It is so real.